He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
