my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm like, not good at living.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
