Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
