I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
