oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
