So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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