nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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