Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
