8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
