i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
