I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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