You can't special order awesome
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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