sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
