I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
