I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
