which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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