in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
