mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
