Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
