mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
