Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
