Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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