I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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