Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
as a side note pls kill me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
