I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
