i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize