i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
