How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
