So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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