we have pet lesbian snakes
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
