Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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