u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
