highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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