i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
