Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
