That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
