you didnt know i had herpes?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
