you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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