I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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