While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
