Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
