Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
