Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
