I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
