he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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