She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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