The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
