ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
