I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
