Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
