You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
