Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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