just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize