I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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