she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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