He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
