My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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