I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize