Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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