Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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