I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
